Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
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[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Teach your children to beatbox
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?