Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.