Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
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According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Coffee is ready.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.