Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
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If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with