Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
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“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’