Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health

me: phew, I’m so relieved

doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine