Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

[Facebook Marketplace]

Me: Selling this guitar amp.

Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.

Me: How does this make sense in your head?

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

I just saw three bowls of dessert.

I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth