Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.

Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex