Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

Science is fun!

#nottrue

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”