Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”

Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

[first day as doctor]

ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news

PATIENT: what is it

ME: I amputated the wrong hand

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.

Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy

American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!

I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

if a cop pulls u over play dead

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?

Farmer: Barley.

Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂