Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?

murderer: yeah sure sorry

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

i guess his teacher was really pissed

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?

When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

They’re on their honeymoon

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.