Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
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I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Every. Damn. Time.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
“How’s your day going?”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
