ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
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Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
CUTE CAT‼︎
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
Finally, an explanation.
Welcome
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.