ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
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Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza
[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.