Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

The police never think its as funny as you do.

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

Dentist: You grind at night.

Me: Oh, game recognize game.

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…

On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

Lucky for them, they’re cute