ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
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I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading