ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
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ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
The USS B port
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”