ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
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I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies