Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”

Her: Can I sit down & join you?

Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.

Her: Oh, no you’re not!

Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey