Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.

8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.

me: oh wow ok…

8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.

me: nice, what about me?

8yo: you get eaten.

I wish you could comment on Zillow.

Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”

The comment section would be very entertaining

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”

Help!

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.

Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*

spider: yeah that way’s fine too

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.

ME: A John Dough

HER: Get out!

Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.

Always.

(Click “gift options” for merch:

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless