Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*

Lord: oh manservant

Me: yes, my lord?

Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?

Me: yes, my lord

Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”