american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
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Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*