@WeissBrandon

Me: I’m going bungee jumping
Mom: y?
Me: my friend John is
Mom: so if John jumped off of a bridge, would you?
Me: that’s what I just told u

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@MissSassy_Pants

Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?

@Mr_Kapowski

I’m that guy who plays Pictionary and draws the shittiest representation of the clue and spends the entire time circling it at various speed

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

@thombodytolove

lego batman: i hate the rain

me: why

lego batman: the puddles

me: what’s wrong with puddles

lego batman: [tearing up] they look just like my parents after the fire

@kyry5

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

@Ameiam

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

@KeetPotato

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”