Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!

Firefighter:

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

Daughter:What’s a whore?

Me:Not now.

Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.

Me:You’re getting warm.

Daughter:Mom will know.

Me: You’re on fire!

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

Guy: [pulls out knife]

Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel

Guy: [stabs me]

Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?