Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
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ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS