Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

is this meant to deter me

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

when mom throws a party…

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview