Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

Men: Remember that time…

Women: Yes

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.

*struts into the new year
~ trips

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

honey, bring out the fine china.

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.