Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

when the buffet is more honest than your date

*buys box of donut holes*

I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

Typos are what differentiates is from robots

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.