Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?

Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)

(Later, 4:30pm)

6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?

Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

When ur friends with white people

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

LMAO

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*

My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?

A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers