Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.

[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.

Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.

Husband: But the seal is right th….

Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!

My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”

[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.