Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”

Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up

[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya

CHAMELEON: Same

GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates

Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.

My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.

Trickle down treatonomics.

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!