Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

I drew y’all a little something.

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

Become ungovernable.

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

me as a parent

I was bored.

My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

[heaven]

ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit

me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.