Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.