Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?

Me: Of course ba…wait, what?

*Her jaw unhinges*

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.

Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.