Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
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I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
i actually laughed 😩
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Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
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Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’