Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
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Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
My circle of trust is a meatball
ouch
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both