Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?

Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅

*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old