Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one ever hated their job on a Friday!

I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.

ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie

GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

I thought this was funny lol

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.