Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!

*sniff* Don’t try to console me

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.

Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.