Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
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Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Finally, a door that understands me
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.