Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

“love means never having to say you’re sorry”

“that is not what love means”

“sorry”

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

Wife: Give me $50

Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy

W: Eh?

M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers

W: IDIOT

M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!

W: I despise you

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

Alexa; make it look like an accident

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

reduce, reuse, recycle

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you

What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.

A rat. A rat is what.

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story