Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.

Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat

Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!

My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts

I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

bugs when you lift up a rock

You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.

When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”