Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.

It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.