Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.

Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

you’re not fooling anyone

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage