Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]

“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]

CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?

me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha

[At Mall]

Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!

Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS

Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*

it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.

When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼‍♂️

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop