Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:

Him: The best part of my day was-

Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?

Him: Watching TV.

Me: Oh, ok.

Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!

Me: yeah???

Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

Me: “I’m going to the gym.”

The gym:

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.