me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
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[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
This probably isn’t good
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.