Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?

Me: Oh that’s not mine

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

[on the way home]

Me: I have some tea to share with you

13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?

Me: no, tea as in like gossip

13: what, what brand is that?

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.

At least, I think it went south.

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there