Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
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“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….