Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
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“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.