Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw

very niche meme I made

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!

[Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on

Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.