Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
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The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Erm I’m gonna say no
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
🏙👨🏼
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”