Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake

8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?

me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?

8yo: no that’s not it

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

Table for six please?

“Is your party coming soon or?”

[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats

[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

Very good news from my accountant

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless