Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

ME: I thought only old people got that

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR:

ME: Oh…

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

Somebody’s lying.

Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.