ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
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CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
Kids, do not try this at home!
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style