ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.![]()
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Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
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Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”