Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
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Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
💁🏻♂️
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Jesus Christ lmao
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Ovenable?
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
According to math, I’m broke