Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That seems a conundrum…
🤔

Daughter: [giving me attitude]

Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.

Daughter: Dad I’m 24.

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

Him: I’m an animal person

Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said