Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
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Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”