Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
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My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
My biological clock is wheezing.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”