Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous

me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so

Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

money maker

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”

Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight