Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose

Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

That’s what I call a flat tire

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

Not helping

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.

Can’t, holding a grudge

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane