Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
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Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
sigh
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it