I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
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The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Holy moly
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster