Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

going ballistic. anyone need anything?

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.

sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless