Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth

TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

can’t believe I got front row seats

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

Me: You sound like a broken record.

12:

Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.

12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.

One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.