Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
SCARY COSTUME
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
