Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*

“Make a wish,” I say.

*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?

Me: Yes please.

Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?

Me: What?

Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.

why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

How many? 🤔

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

Jail

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?