Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met