me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
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Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Knock Knock
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
This could be us… but you playing
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”