Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
My fantasy football season is going great
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
