Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

The pen is writier than the sword.

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.