Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

[doctors]

“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]

scientist 1: well?

scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything

s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times