Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Always…
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
