Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
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Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
bias laundering edition
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?