Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
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Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?