Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

#growingpains

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us

There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.

GF: Can I have some almonds?

Me: Sure I’m done with them.

GF: These are good!

Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.