Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
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I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.