Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
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I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
the three genders
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.